Awake on a Wednesday Morning

Meant to blog after each session with new counselor. Only done so once, though. It's been three sessions.

Told him I'd try to regularize my sleep. Forgot how easily I can be tripped up in that endeavor.

Had late nap, yesterday. Consequently couldn't get to sleep at 10:30PM, as planned.

Told my grandmother's caregiver that. She then advised against long naps, saying she does well keeping them down to thirty minutes. "Ah, the Iron Man Method," was on the tip of my tongue. She'd probably be in better health if she slept more. Also might have liked to tell her that it would help if she'd come in an hour later (which I believe she could do) but I kept my mouth shut.

Often noticed that I'm more likely to remember dreams when sleep is irregular and/or too short. Counted two.

DREAM 1: Went on a lazily paced flight through the air rather than go to class and learn some kind of programming language. (Which would you have done?)

DREAM 2: Met the guy who played Manny on Black Books. His name-tag said Dan Brereton, iirc. (DB is actually an artist who's been known to give out signed prints at local shows.) I joked that Americans don't read credits.

Had weird idea to wonder what it would be like to show dream journal to Grant Morrison.

Also noticed I wrote about these dreams in a fair amount of detail. Got to take that approach to writing. When I have an idea, stop what I'm doing at earliest convenience and jot it down.

Our Cara Era Has Ended...

You haven't heard me talk much about Cara. However, she has been one of the pivotal figures in my life. I've known her for the entire length of this millennium, so far, and she's meant a great deal to me during that time.

Even now, for this brief memoir, I'll be witholding details about her. I may tell you all about her in person, but the wise member of modern society abhors broadcasting certain peronal details on social media.

She's always had a spiritual bent. Last year, that spirituality took a drastic and tragic downturn. Though influenced by various texts, her beliefs seemed unique to her.

Since late December, she gave into the depression that had plagued her for so long. She remained home for most of her time, cared for by her mother among others.

I fail to keep up with people. Though I saw Cara almost every day, I might not then have known about these problems had her husband and other family members not told me about them.

I had a nice, peaceful Easter with family. The following day, when I saw Cara's husband, he told me that she had just killed herself. It was a surreal experience getting the details so soon after yet having missed the event. I'll remember the minutae of this past weekend for a long time.

So far, Cara's family is taking things as well as can be expected but the reality of her passing is still so new. Understandably, things seem hardest on her mother.

Cremation is set for this coming Wednesday, April 10th. We plan to do an outdoor memorial later, on a date to be decided. Cara's husband encourages everyone to think of the cremation to be attended by any who feel the obligation (very close friends and family) and the memorial for those who truly want to be there.

We are also considering an informal gathering of friends to toast to life in the wake of tragedy. Furthermore, there may even be a tribute night at a club in the near future.

Cara's husband, I would say, has a fairly clear view of both the dark cloud and the silver lining. We have much grief to work through but we can look ahead and draw strength from having gotten through these bleak times.

He says his relationship with Cara represents about a quarter of his life. I've known Cara for over a third of mine. But our Cara Era, as it were, is over. This will take much getting used to.

I myself am doing okay. I've chiefly sought out people to talk to for emotional support. I've been alternating between that and light socializing. It's a happy thing that I have no shortage of friends.

That's about all I have to post at this time. There may be more in the future. For now, understanding and sympathy are welcome.

How To Dream and Wish

Thought I was painstakingly careful what I wished for.

But, for longer than you know, I've wished I didn't need sleep. (Remotely realistic? Don't know. I've heard Leonardo gave up sleeping.)

For a next best thing, I wished to go lucid every night. Hold on to some semblance of consciousness upon resting. Control dreams. Use the time to think and plan, or just have fun.

And don't have a mandatory game of mood roulette upon waking.

Now, though, I'm starting to notice the passage of time between going to sleep and rising. Consequently, I partially lose the sense of sleep and respite as a break from waking life. Even though I'm rested, waking up feels just a little bit like the end of a long day...

Yet I do not change my wish.

A Rain Train

I don't usually reveal my creative process. But what the hey?

Train of thought from a moment ago:  

*On noticing that the rain has restarted, thought how lucky it was I had gone on my walk during the lull.  'Course my coat has not one but two umbrella pockets.  Rain wouldn't have stopped me.  

*Remembered scene in Hobbit where Gandalf refuses to use anti-rain magic because rain is tolerable.  Was surprised to see that in a Middle Earth movie because I thought that was an Earthsea thing.  

Specifically, I'm thinking of Collapse ).

*Briefly wondered if that was allegory for the possible effects technology can have on the environment. I don't want it to be. I want to enjoy fantasy settings for what's on the surface, not have them remind me of reality.

*Also remembered kinda thinking (at a younger age) that neither this Ogion guy nor the rain-make-go-away-ers were wrong. If you want to turn off the rain, cool. If you want to let it rain so that we get the full effect of nature, I won't argue.

*But now I'm reevaluating that. Do these cities full of weather-workers end up too dry because rain clouds always get banished? Perhaps not, I figure, if no one's up at nighttime. Then you'd probably get just enough rain.

*But if a significant percentage of your population knows how to get rid of rain by magic and if just one of them happens to be an active night owl, you've got a problem. Your city needs rain. That's a given. But people keep sending it away.

*Would you then have a town meeting? Do you vote on times of day it shall be permissible to banish clouds? (Not if you live in a monarchy, natch.) Will fines be imposed for misuse of magic? If so, how do you figure out who cast the illegal spell?

*Indeed, this business of unregulated weather-working should have significant, environmental impact in parts of Earthsea!

Zot! An original idea! I could establish an artificial desert in my fantasy setting! It'd be the result of too many magi constantly stopping rain.

But how can I really make it seem original when two classic fantasies have done something similar?

Peanut Butter Dog!

Been meaning to mention one more afterthought about my regressive memory of my favorite stuffed dog.  (Wow, that happened in March, right? Time flies.)  

He made me realize something about love.  

You know coffee mugs that say World's Greatest Parent, Boss, whatever?  Or when one tells one's lover "I'd do anything for you" without regard for the full implication of this claim?  What with all of my striving for objectivity I tend to waive those off as insincere and virtually meaningless, even thoughtless because I figured they get said by people who don't really mean them.  

But then, this memory came to the surface and I find myself thinking the phrase "very best doggy" quite involuntarily.  It's like a part of me believed this without reservation.  

Got me thinking; we all have the capacity to hold the person we love most in higher esteem than anyone else in the world.  It is therefore reasonable for one person to desire this attitude from someone special.

There we have one more clue in the grand mystery of what love is.  :-)  


Overanalyzing one opinion

I'm endlessly fascinated by the variety of opinions people can have. Listen to enough different audience members talk about a movie as they come out and you'd think they had seen different movies.

At this point, I like to think I can (on some level) understand any perspective. One in passing still threw me a curve, though.

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Still Around

Hey, I haven't stopped blogging, here. Just been writing mostly under filters.

Tried using the friend-finding features but lj and my e-mail addresses seem to have some issue with one another. Tried reading the friends-of-friends page but that's little more than a way to view strangers' blogs.

What's new, everybody?

A Poll About Phones and Ribbons!

I'm thinking; when people at cons ask for ribbons I could, in turn, ask what kind of phones they've got. Then I bestow a ribbon as appropriate.

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And you can vote!

Some of the messages, you see, were just the first that I thought of. Before I approve the designs, I'd like some feedback. Do you like them as shown or do you have any better ideas for the messages?

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